FLIBBITY.
Monday, July 31, 2006
I don't know who wrote this...
I got this in an e-mail today. I don't know who wrote it.
I must send my thanks to whoever sent me the one about rat poop in the
glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet towel with every
envelope that needs sealing. Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can
I open for the same reason.
I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny
Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.
I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive
the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for
participating in their special e-mail program.
I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking
out for me and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.
I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible
mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.
I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a
water buffalo on a hot day.
Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I
forward an email to seven of my friends and make a wish within five
minutes.
Due to your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can
remove toilet stains.
I no longer buy gasoline without taking a man along to watch the
car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping gas.
I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who make these
products are atheists who refuse to put "Under God" on their cans.
I no longer use Saran Wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.
And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup water in the
microwave because it will blow up in my face...disfiguring me for life.
I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be
pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.
I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a
perfume sample and rob me.
I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are actually
Al Qaeda in disguise.
I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our
American Troops or the Salvation Army.
I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a
number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda,
Singapore, and Uzbekistan.
I no longer have any sneakers -- but that will change once I receive my
free replacement pair from Nike.
I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have
their recipe.
Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big,
brown, African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant
death when it bites my butt.
Thank you too for all the endless advice Andy Rooney has given us. I
can live a better life now because he's told us how to fix everything.
And thanks to your great advice, I can't ever pick up the $5.00 I dropped
in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester
waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.
Oh, I almost forgot - I can no longer drive my car
because I can't buy gas from certain gas companies!
If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70
minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 PM
this afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your scalp.
I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next
door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician...
Have a wonderful day....
I must send my thanks to whoever sent me the one about rat poop in the
glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet towel with every
envelope that needs sealing. Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can
I open for the same reason.
I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny
Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.
I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive
the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for
participating in their special e-mail program.
I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking
out for me and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.
I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible
mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.
I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a
water buffalo on a hot day.
Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I
forward an email to seven of my friends and make a wish within five
minutes.
Due to your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can
remove toilet stains.
I no longer buy gasoline without taking a man along to watch the
car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping gas.
I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who make these
products are atheists who refuse to put "Under God" on their cans.
I no longer use Saran Wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.
And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup water in the
microwave because it will blow up in my face...disfiguring me for life.
I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be
pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.
I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a
perfume sample and rob me.
I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are actually
Al Qaeda in disguise.
I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our
American Troops or the Salvation Army.
I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a
number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda,
Singapore, and Uzbekistan.
I no longer have any sneakers -- but that will change once I receive my
free replacement pair from Nike.
I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have
their recipe.
Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big,
brown, African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant
death when it bites my butt.
Thank you too for all the endless advice Andy Rooney has given us. I
can live a better life now because he's told us how to fix everything.
And thanks to your great advice, I can't ever pick up the $5.00 I dropped
in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester
waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.
Oh, I almost forgot - I can no longer drive my car
because I can't buy gas from certain gas companies!
If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70
minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 PM
this afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your scalp.
I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next
door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician...
Have a wonderful day....
posted by Jenne Lou at 7/31/2006 04:38:00 PM
3 Comments:
Ha ha ha that is great.
My sister forwards me every dang emails he gets, it is irritating. I have begun deleting them before I even read them because the subject line is: Fwd: Fw: Fwd: Fw: Fwd: Re: Angels!!! or some shit.
I hate that too.
Whenever I send forwards, I delete all that shit first. And I hate having to open about a million folders to get to the actual message. I wish more people would realize that you can forward from that point and make it easier for the next person.
Whatever.
Oh, and I am glad to see that someone still reads this drivel, and a bit sorry for you that it does suck so much lately...
= )
You mean none of that stuff is true?...I've lost a lot of 5 dollar bills for nothing?
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