FLIBBITY.

The late Mitch Hedberg cracks me up.....

"You know, if I made orange juice, I would not be so hardcore on people. I would be more polite, like I would not print 'shake well' on the carton, cause you don't know how good people can shake, you know? I would write, 'Shake to the best of your ability.' Then I'd have a diagram that shows the uninitiated how to shake. 'Alright, put it over here, then put it over here, then put it over here quicker.'

"I went to a restaurant, and I saw a guy wearing a leather jacket, eating a hamburger, drinking a glass of milk. I said, "Dude, you are a cow. The metamorphosis is complete. Don't fall asleep or I will tip you over."

"The last Dawn dishwashing liquid commercial they had an oily duck and they cleaned it off. They said "Dawn dishwashing liquid cleans off an oily duck." That's a weird way to advertise a dishwashing liquid. We clean oily ducks and plates, so if you have an oily duck over for dinner we can help you in two ways."

"I like cottage cheese. That is why I want to try other dwelling cheeses, too. How about studio apartment cheese? Tent cheese? Mobile home cheese? Do not eat mobile home cheese in a tornado. It would be devastating."

"One time I had a Jack and coke and it had a lime in it, And I saw that the lime was floating. That's good news man. Next time I'm on a boat and it capsizes, I'll reach for a lime... I'll be water skiing without a life preserver and people'll say 'What the hell?' and I'll pull out a lime...and a lemon too. I'm saved by the buoyancy of citrus."

"I have long hair, and see, people associate long hair with drug use. I wish long hair was associated with something other than drug use, like 'an extreme longing for cake'. People would see a guy with long hair and say "damn, that fucker eats cake, he's on bundt cake". Mothers telling their daughters "don't bring the cake-eater over here anymore, he smells like flour. Did you notice how his eyes widened when he found out your birthday was fast approaching?"

(from Wikiquote)