FLIBBITY.
Sunday, April 23, 2006
Ha Ha Ha
The late Mitch Hedberg cracks me up.....
"You know, if I made orange juice, I would not be so hardcore on people. I would be more polite, like I would not print 'shake well' on the carton, cause you don't know how good people can shake, you know? I would write, 'Shake to the best of your ability.' Then I'd have a diagram that shows the uninitiated how to shake. 'Alright, put it over here, then put it over here, then put it over here quicker.'
"I went to a restaurant, and I saw a guy wearing a leather jacket, eating a hamburger, drinking a glass of milk. I said, "Dude, you are a cow. The metamorphosis is complete. Don't fall asleep or I will tip you over."
"The last Dawn dishwashing liquid commercial they had an oily duck and they cleaned it off. They said "Dawn dishwashing liquid cleans off an oily duck." That's a weird way to advertise a dishwashing liquid. We clean oily ducks and plates, so if you have an oily duck over for dinner we can help you in two ways."
"I like cottage cheese. That is why I want to try other dwelling cheeses, too. How about studio apartment cheese? Tent cheese? Mobile home cheese? Do not eat mobile home cheese in a tornado. It would be devastating."
"One time I had a Jack and coke and it had a lime in it, And I saw that the lime was floating. That's good news man. Next time I'm on a boat and it capsizes, I'll reach for a lime... I'll be water skiing without a life preserver and people'll say 'What the hell?' and I'll pull out a lime...and a lemon too. I'm saved by the buoyancy of citrus."
"I have long hair, and see, people associate long hair with drug use. I wish long hair was associated with something other than drug use, like 'an extreme longing for cake'. People would see a guy with long hair and say "damn, that fucker eats cake, he's on bundt cake". Mothers telling their daughters "don't bring the cake-eater over here anymore, he smells like flour. Did you notice how his eyes widened when he found out your birthday was fast approaching?"
(from Wikiquote)
"You know, if I made orange juice, I would not be so hardcore on people. I would be more polite, like I would not print 'shake well' on the carton, cause you don't know how good people can shake, you know? I would write, 'Shake to the best of your ability.' Then I'd have a diagram that shows the uninitiated how to shake. 'Alright, put it over here, then put it over here, then put it over here quicker.'
"I went to a restaurant, and I saw a guy wearing a leather jacket, eating a hamburger, drinking a glass of milk. I said, "Dude, you are a cow. The metamorphosis is complete. Don't fall asleep or I will tip you over."
"The last Dawn dishwashing liquid commercial they had an oily duck and they cleaned it off. They said "Dawn dishwashing liquid cleans off an oily duck." That's a weird way to advertise a dishwashing liquid. We clean oily ducks and plates, so if you have an oily duck over for dinner we can help you in two ways."
"I like cottage cheese. That is why I want to try other dwelling cheeses, too. How about studio apartment cheese? Tent cheese? Mobile home cheese? Do not eat mobile home cheese in a tornado. It would be devastating."
"One time I had a Jack and coke and it had a lime in it, And I saw that the lime was floating. That's good news man. Next time I'm on a boat and it capsizes, I'll reach for a lime... I'll be water skiing without a life preserver and people'll say 'What the hell?' and I'll pull out a lime...and a lemon too. I'm saved by the buoyancy of citrus."
"I have long hair, and see, people associate long hair with drug use. I wish long hair was associated with something other than drug use, like 'an extreme longing for cake'. People would see a guy with long hair and say "damn, that fucker eats cake, he's on bundt cake". Mothers telling their daughters "don't bring the cake-eater over here anymore, he smells like flour. Did you notice how his eyes widened when he found out your birthday was fast approaching?"
(from Wikiquote)
Now you know my ABC's
I am posting here because I HATE INTERNET EXPLORER! Ugh. It sucks.
LOVE Mozilla Firefox....so so much.
A is for age: 27...until Friday
B is for Booze of choice: Smirnoff Ice....the regular one...not that flavored stuff
C is for career: student, I guess....my job is not my career.
D is for your dog's name: my future dog will be named James Brown. Not kidding.
E is for essential items you use everyday: my computer, my cell phone
F is for favorite songs at the moment: Be Without You by Mary J. Blige, Settle for a Slowdown by Dierks Bentley, Nevermind Me by Big & Rich.
G is for favorite games: Tetris
H is for hometown: Lake Clear
I is for instruments you play: None, unfortunately
J is for jam or jelly you like: Grape
K is for Kids: Maybe later
L is for last kiss: I'm not telling
M is for most admired trait: I am FUNNAYYY! (Inside joke). Seriously, I don't know
N is for the name of your crush: Gary Sinise from CSI NY.
O is for overnight hospital stays: Asthma at age 5
P is for phobias: gums give me the creeps when not accompanied by teeth. This lady at the evil empire creeped me out hardcore. Ugh. I hate snakes too. I remember in 1st grade everyone had to touch one. I flat out refused. No amount of coaxing from my teacher could make me touch that mofo. Can't think of anymore right now.
Q is for quote you like: "I saw a fish all by itself, I said, "Dude, you should stay in school." (Mitch Hedberg)
R is for biggest regret: That I STILL have no freaking clue what to do with my life. Hate that.
S is for sweet of choice: I really like Dark Chocolate Hersheys Kisses, but I like most sweet stuff. Just no black licorice or coconut please.
T is for the time you wake up: not early enough. I even procrastinate about getting up!
U is for underwear: what about it?
V is for vegetable you love: cukes
W is for worst habit: probably being negative....but it is not my fault that there is an abundance of stupid people.
X is for x-rays you've had: I broke my toe. and lots of dental x-rays.
Y is for yummy food you make: it's all good.
Z is for zodiac sign: Taurus
LOVE Mozilla Firefox....so so much.
A is for age: 27...until Friday
B is for Booze of choice: Smirnoff Ice....the regular one...not that flavored stuff
C is for career: student, I guess....my job is not my career.
D is for your dog's name: my future dog will be named James Brown. Not kidding.
E is for essential items you use everyday: my computer, my cell phone
F is for favorite songs at the moment: Be Without You by Mary J. Blige, Settle for a Slowdown by Dierks Bentley, Nevermind Me by Big & Rich.
G is for favorite games: Tetris
H is for hometown: Lake Clear
I is for instruments you play: None, unfortunately
J is for jam or jelly you like: Grape
K is for Kids: Maybe later
L is for last kiss: I'm not telling
M is for most admired trait: I am FUNNAYYY! (Inside joke). Seriously, I don't know
N is for the name of your crush: Gary Sinise from CSI NY.
O is for overnight hospital stays: Asthma at age 5
P is for phobias: gums give me the creeps when not accompanied by teeth. This lady at the evil empire creeped me out hardcore. Ugh. I hate snakes too. I remember in 1st grade everyone had to touch one. I flat out refused. No amount of coaxing from my teacher could make me touch that mofo. Can't think of anymore right now.
Q is for quote you like: "I saw a fish all by itself, I said, "Dude, you should stay in school." (Mitch Hedberg)
R is for biggest regret: That I STILL have no freaking clue what to do with my life. Hate that.
S is for sweet of choice: I really like Dark Chocolate Hersheys Kisses, but I like most sweet stuff. Just no black licorice or coconut please.
T is for the time you wake up: not early enough. I even procrastinate about getting up!
U is for underwear: what about it?
V is for vegetable you love: cukes
W is for worst habit: probably being negative....but it is not my fault that there is an abundance of stupid people.
X is for x-rays you've had: I broke my toe. and lots of dental x-rays.
Y is for yummy food you make: it's all good.
Z is for zodiac sign: Taurus
